Abe wins “Best Liarist Award” for Fukushima under control remark

[Tokyo] – Last week on Sunday, the Japanese Medical Institute of Mythomania (JMIM) awarded Prime Minister Shinzo Abe with this year’s “Best Liarist Award”, “liarist” being Japanese English for “liar”.

A spokesman of the JMIM explained that Abe’s “continuing effort to distort the truth” made him this year’s most active liar, as well as the one with the highest impact. “It is thanks to Abe’s lying that Japan was chosen to host the 2020 Olympic Games”, the spokesman explained, calling Abe’s speech “the cherry on the cake”. The spokesman also cited Abe’s revisionist views on history, and “countless other lies” as being additional reasons why he won this year’s award.

One of the judges of JMIM commented on what he called “the superb timing” of some of Abe’s lies. “Despite several reports clearly showing that the situation in Fukushima looks very grave, Abe still assured everyone the situation was under control, a blatant lie of the highest level”. But there is more. “Then, days after the Olympic decision,TEPCO itself admitting the situation is out of control! Superb timing, superb!”, exclaimed the visibly emotional judge.

Under applause of the ministers, Abe himself accepted the award during today’s Diet session. An irritated Abe was heard saying “Are you calling me a liar? That what you calling me?”, and with referral to the Fukushima nuclear crisis: “Let’s just say I want things to stay the way they are for now. I am the boss. If TEPCO says they are out of control, they are wrong. I am the boss! It’s under control!”. Video footage of the session showed Abe handing the award to Deputy Prime Minister Taro Aso, saying “you’re the one who deserves it most”, after which he left the session.

Posted in Abe Shinzo, Fukushima, Olympics, Taro Aso | Leave a comment

Japanese shocked: most Olympic athletes are foreigners

[Tokyo] – A representative of the Japanese Olympic Committee has caused a rough awakening for many Japanese from the euphoric festivities following the decision that Tokyo will host the 2020 summer Olymics.

During a two hour press conference, Igarashi Taro (58), representative of the Committee, explained to the Japanese people the true nature of the Olympic Games, causing nation-wide upheaval and confusion. “Fellow Japanese, I have a confession to make”, Igarashi explained. “I know that most Japanese are convinced that the majority of participating athletes are Japanese, but this is not true”. He blamed the confusion on decades of biased reporting by the Japanese media, which traditionally only report Japanese successes, ignoring disciplines in which no medals are won by Japanese athletes.

Asked whether this meant that many foreigners can be expected to visit Tokyo to attend the Games in 2020, Taro admitted that “yes, it is regrettable, but true”, adding that all Japanese will have to make an effort. “Some people might want to consider moving to other cities before the start of the Games”, he suggested.

Prime Minister Abe, known for his strong dislike of inferior hominids, denied that he has purposely kept the participation of foreign athletes a secret for the populace. “I did not lie to anyone. I just did not tell the whole truth”. Abe has called for a general effort to make the Games as enjoyable as possible for all.

As a gesture of his goodwill, Abe added that he will try to cause any diplomatic crisis possible with China and South Korea, in order to “maximize the chances of a boycott of the Games by those countries”.

Posted in Abe Shinzo, Japan, Olympics | Leave a comment

Right-wing group planning book burning of “Barefoot Gen” comic

[Matsue] – Today the Japanese right-wing organization Daitōjuku announced its plan for a large book burning in the city of Matsue later this year.

The news comes one week after one of the organization’s members succeeded to convince the local board of education to remove the comic “Barefoot Gen” from its school libraries. According to the right-wing organization, the famous comic contains “war time atrocities by Japanese troops that did not actually happen”.

A representative of Daitōjuku told us that the book burning will be “an action against the un-Japanese spirit” with as goal to “cleanse the country of any books showing or mentioning fictional events”. Such events include, according to the spokesman, the Rape of Nanking and “basically any incident involving our proud Japanese soldiers during our times of glory”.

The comic “Barefoot Gen” is one of the books that is on the right-wing index, along with many of the mainstream history books used all over the world.

“Anyone is welcome to join us for the book burning”, concluded the representative, though he urged international press to “stay away, in order to avoid misunderstandings”.

Minister Taro Aso, has expressed his support for the event. He was quoted as saying “See, I knew there was a lot we can learn from Nazi Germany. If only I’d been born a blond, blue-eyed fellow in the 1920s. It would have been wunderbar!”

Posted in Comics, nationalists, Taro Aso, WWII | Leave a comment

Abe plans to visit Yasukuni Shrine wearing fake mustache

[Tokyo] – Prime Minister Shinzo Abe may make an offering at Yasukuni Shrine later this week, media reported on Wednesday. The news comes as a surprise, because Abe himself had previously made clear that he would skip the traditional visit to the shrine this year.

Critics have pointed out that Abe visiting the shrine, a symbol of Japanese wartime aggression, is likely to harm diplomatic relations with China and South Korea.

However, during today’s Diet session, Abe explained his motives for making his visit to the shrine, as well as his plan to make the visit diplomatically acceptable even in the eyes of his most passionate adversaries.

He explained how he will visit the shrine on Thursday, “wearing a passport with the name Guy Incognito”, as well as “wearing a fake mustache”. The Prime Minister stressed that, thus, he will officially not be at the shrine, nor be recognizable.

“Whether they were the Japanese equivalent of Himmler or Göring or not, it is important for us to always remember the people who fought to protect Japan from dangerous outsiders, ” Abe explained. “However, in order to avoid international criticism, it is sometimes necessary to twist and turn, and make questionable moves”.

Manufacturers of fake mustaches have praised Abe’s plan, and hope that his move will result in a boost for their slacking sales figures.

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Hiroshima marks 68th anniv of start of WWII and atomic bombing

[Hiroshima] – Every year tens of thousands gather at a peace memorial park in Hiroshima to mark the anniversary of the atomic bombing of the Japanese city. Strikingly, for the first time, this year’s anniversary of the atomic bombing will also mark the start of WW-II.

A representative of Prime Minister Shinzo Abe explained that the new anniversary fits with Abe’s view on recent history. “Abe has many times declared that people should not live in the past, but rather focus on the future”. “However, he adds, “it is important to do so in a selective way”.

In practice, the Japanese government has decided to focus all attention on the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Other topics, including Japan’s wartime aggression, will receive a lower priority.

As a part of this policy, the military conflict between Japan and the U.S. now no longer starts with the attack on Pearl Harbor, but rather with the surprise atomic bombing of Hiroshima.

“It is important for Japanese youths to understand the impact of this sudden sneak attack by the white devils, rather than to pay attention to fictional events that may or may not have preceded it”, concluded the representative.

Posted in Abe Shinzo, Atomic bombings, WWII | 1 Comment

Right-wing group sues NHK for using too many Kanji

[Tokyo] – A little over a week since a pensioner decided to sue Japan’s national broadcaster NHK for overuse of foreign loanwords, another suit is threatening NHK.

The new suit concerns the use of Chinese characters, so-called kanji. Daitōjuku, a Japanese right-wing organization, is suing NHK for emotional distress, caused by the overuse of Chinese characters in their broadcasts.

The Japanese language is written in a mixture of three writing systems: kanji, which are of Chinese origin, hiragana and katakana. Japanese makes extensive use of kanji, with over 2,000 different characters being regularly used in every-day life.

In a press conference, a group of lawyers representing Daitōjuku explained: “The widespread use of kanji in the NHK broadcasts has rendered them unintelligible for people with mental retardation in general, and many members of Daitōjuku in particular. Our clients demand NHK to replace all kanji with hiragana“.

“In addition, most members of Daitōjuku have a strong dislike for anything originating from China”, they added.

Spokespersons of Daitōjuku also announced that they contacted other right-wing organizations asking them to join their protest, but without success. “None of the other organizations have answered our letters, but we will send them the same requests again after removing all kanji from the letters”, one spokesperson explained. “This time we will also ask our lawyers to help us out with Arabic numerals in the addresses.”

Posted in Japan, nationalists, NHK | Leave a comment

Newly discovered ancient maps support Chinese territorial claims

[Brussels] – A number of Belgian newspapers today reported a story about the discovery of a number of ancient maps that could offer support for several of China’s territorial claims in South East Asian and other parts of the globe.

The maps in question were discovered in the library of Arenberg Château, a 16th century castle now belonging to the Catholic University of Leuven. The maps themselves date from the late 13th century up to the late 17th century, and include world maps, and maps of several regions of the globe, mainly European and South East Asian. Most of them were made by European and Chinese geographers at various times in history, and were collected by the Croÿ family, owners of the castle during most of the 15th to 17th century.

Importantly, the maps offer a unique view of national borders throughout history. A committe of historians, who have had a chance to review the maps briefly earlier this week, claim that several of the maps might represent important evidence supporting China’s territorial claims in South East Asia. One historian reported how several maps contain “clear indications of national borders during the early 19th century”, which “strongly support China’s claim over several small island groups currently under dispute between China and its neighbors.”

A more shocking discovery was that the maps support China’s sovereignty over a number of smaller territories in Europe, including a few small Mediteranean islands and even a small neighborhood in Brussels itself.

A local government official in Brussels, who wished to remain anonymous, commented that “the validity of the Brussels map and any Chinese claims in this region are neglectable”. According to our source, “China has never claimed the neighborhood in question and is unlikely to do so in the near future.” Nevertheless, there is a slight reason for concern, he added, “in view of China’s recent aggressive foreign policy.”

Early next week a small panel of Chinese historians and politicians are planning an official visit to Arenberg Château for examination of the maps.

Posted in China, territorial disputes | 6 Comments